I love me some Feline (and Fellini's pizza for that matter). The best thing about cats is that they try to just mind their own biznatch and be all cool, and then you just come in there and mess everything up. These are the best tricks i have for annoying and messing with your cats:
one. Put that sucka on a leash. You can't just have that thing running lose like some lion. I love watching them trying to defy it like they think really have an option.
two. Give it a bath. Did you know that cats love water? Better yet, serenade it with a harmonica. Cats love the sound of harmonicas.
three. Read it "Garfield has Feline Leukemia" before it goes to sleep. Sweet dreams.
four. Cat-a-poult it. Yes, that was pun. Someone please stab me for saying it. But anyway, test out the theory. They always land on their feet.
four and four quarters. I used to live with this girl who had a Hello Kitty waffle maker. Isn't that where you put cats to warm them up? Guess that explains what happened to Jasper.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Dear Atlanta: Here's What You Can Improve On
Dearest Atlanta,
Do you want me to call you Hotlanta? I hear that's the nickname with the kids. Atl, though I love thee, you have some things that would make you the best city ever.
one. Transportation. Marta, CCT, GCT, CTRAN...all of you were over before you ever started. That's right aliens to the atlantan, we have FOUR transportation systems. How dare I be this bold, but these four transit systems are because of the racism that resides in Hotlanta (insert history lesson here). Georgia DOT, the beltline may be your saving grace if you can pull it off. My solution: fuse this already dying system into a getting-there profitable solo system. Maybe all these transit systems wouldn't be suffering right now if they didn't lead to nowhere.
two. Land lock. My-lanta (clever points), please make yourself a moat. This city would be much better if it were landlocked by some body of water. You're going to keep stretching yourself out into oblivion. My solution: start digging.
three. Bipolar weather. I'm pretty much a psychologist, and Atlanta, you have bipolar disorder. I love you in the early fall and late spring, but the rest of the time you just go on mood swings. Let's make a plan to stick to a weather plan (poetry points). My solution: no more rain dances.
four. Safety in Numbers. Atl, I never want to hear you being referred to as the Detroit of the South. That just isn't cool. Take a shower; clean yourself up. My solution: If you have a great option, then go for it.
four and four quarters. Own it. Big A, you've got a lot to offer. You may not be as cool as say, New York City or Los Angeles, but you could get there. I don't want to peer pressure you, but be bold and confident. Try some new things. You have the potential to be great. Clearly you're never going to be a place of big tourism. It doesn't have to be your speciality; leave it to Orlando and Washington DC. Consider yourself the land of Chick-fil-a, Waffle House, and Gucci Mane. Who wouldn't be proud of that? You go, Hotlanta.
Do you want me to call you Hotlanta? I hear that's the nickname with the kids. Atl, though I love thee, you have some things that would make you the best city ever.
one. Transportation. Marta, CCT, GCT, CTRAN...all of you were over before you ever started. That's right aliens to the atlantan, we have FOUR transportation systems. How dare I be this bold, but these four transit systems are because of the racism that resides in Hotlanta (insert history lesson here). Georgia DOT, the beltline may be your saving grace if you can pull it off. My solution: fuse this already dying system into a getting-there profitable solo system. Maybe all these transit systems wouldn't be suffering right now if they didn't lead to nowhere.
two. Land lock. My-lanta (clever points), please make yourself a moat. This city would be much better if it were landlocked by some body of water. You're going to keep stretching yourself out into oblivion. My solution: start digging.
three. Bipolar weather. I'm pretty much a psychologist, and Atlanta, you have bipolar disorder. I love you in the early fall and late spring, but the rest of the time you just go on mood swings. Let's make a plan to stick to a weather plan (poetry points). My solution: no more rain dances.
four. Safety in Numbers. Atl, I never want to hear you being referred to as the Detroit of the South. That just isn't cool. Take a shower; clean yourself up. My solution: If you have a great option, then go for it.
four and four quarters. Own it. Big A, you've got a lot to offer. You may not be as cool as say, New York City or Los Angeles, but you could get there. I don't want to peer pressure you, but be bold and confident. Try some new things. You have the potential to be great. Clearly you're never going to be a place of big tourism. It doesn't have to be your speciality; leave it to Orlando and Washington DC. Consider yourself the land of Chick-fil-a, Waffle House, and Gucci Mane. Who wouldn't be proud of that? You go, Hotlanta.
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