What the...?

This blog post brought to you by the letter "F," these are my best "what the...?" moments.

one. This one happened just yesterday. I was sitting on my couch studying away when my cat jumped into the screen door and knocked it off the hinges. Now really, what the....

two. A few years ago, I came home and my dog had eaten my cat. Winner, winner, cat's for dinner.

three. Lindsay Ives and I were walking to class one day and there was a wheely chair upside down on the cement stairs, just sitting there. Someone clearly rolled down the steps in the chair, fell over, and left the chair there. Obviously.

four. Amy and I were driving around in my VW van and the door fell off. Amy grabbed it and held it up like a champ. Clearly I have a thing for doors falling off hinges.

four and four quarters. I've seen some crazy things at work, but here are my favorite that were just strange:

• two girls came in dressed in some kind of superhero lingerie
• a man in a full Spiderman costume
• a lady who came through the drive-thru with only her bare necessities on.

This ain't Walmart, people!

And with that, ladies and gentleman, what the?

School Stories

In honor of school starting soon, here are my favorite school stories.

one. The most trouble I ever got in at school is when I locked myself in a locker as a joke...and then couldn't get out. A teacher had to come get the lock off.

two. My freshmen year of college, I told people in one of my classes I was majoring in baby making. Round of applause for the Mrs. degree.

three. My friend Lindsay Ives and I used to throw things out of the window at people walking by. Stapler? Sure. Scissors? Even better.

four. This one didn't happen to me, but I still think it's hilarious. At Dunwoody High, they had someone who was urinating around the building in various places. HAHA I still laugh at that.

four and four quarters. We decided to market my Asian friend, Annabella Chang (ABC for short), for homecoming queen (which by the way, got her in the top five). We put up signs around campus saying "I have a dream that one day we'll have an Asian homecoming queen" and posted freaky pictures of Michael Jackson with "ABC, easy as 123." That last one was taken down by the admin immediately. Sexual reference? Never.

Drive Thru Etiquette

Take it. Chew it. Digest it. Love it.

This is going to sound like a complaining blog, but hey, it's informative!

one. Get off your dang phone! Fo reals, it's rude. Can you imagine if I was just on my cell phone while taking your order? But really, I can hear your conversation. I once had someone talk about their sexcapades on their phone and I could hear the whole thing. Regurgitating.

two. Do not order at the window. It gets us all out of order, behind, and makes the people behind you have to wait twice as long. Along with this, don't completely change your order at the window. Just come inside if you're unsure of what you want.

three. No one is impressed by how you can read off your drink/order like an auctioneer. You know, I do have to input the order into a slow computer.

four. Don't cut people off. I've seen people slam into another car (on purpose) and someone that called the police from someone cutting them off. As fully entertaining as it is to see people get worked up over their order in a fast line, it just causes everyone to merc everyone else.

four and four quarters. Please do not complain to me unless it's about your order. I don't want to hear how the person behind you has bright lights, or how the prices are too high, or how you hate your job. These are all things I can do nothing about.

Basically, be respectful and it will always be returned.

And my real name is...

I have taken the scenic route, but I'm back. I finally have a breather after this long semester.

Now I think we all know that I have changed my name in the past two years. I'm all about names representing your true identity. Therefore, I give you the company name change.

one. Taco Bell = Taco Hell. Let's just be real... you don't make it out of there alive.

two. Ikea = Icheapa. Being that I'm a slightly poor college student, I bought my basic kitchen stuff at Ikea because of there ridiculously low prices. Sometimes, the pan cooks so unevenly. Splitzies never hurt anyone. Then again, I am sitting on my bed from Ikea right now. Look out apt. 1214!

three. Old Navy = Old Slavey. I actually went in to Old Slavey today and Dobey was walking around in rags.

four. Applebee's = Crapplebee's. Amy, Gpayne, and I used to go to Crapplebee's all the time, and then we actually stopped and wondered why we were there. I'll meet ya at the Neighborhood Bar and Grill!

four and four quarters. Zaxby's = Crackby's. It's an addiction. Join my support group.

Some others that weren't good enough for a lovely description: Carby's (Arby's), Encon (Enron), Fourbucks or Starbarfs (Starbucks), Scamway (Amway), Fratolo (Polo), Fratagonia (Patagonia).

If you live with it, you can live without it.

So I felt like I needed a little break after the monotony of doing two posts that are the same, so cheers to a break.

Every time I get an idea for a blog post it has to follow a simple guideline: it must be either funny or helpful. Posts that do not follow this are quickly nixed. Now I'm about to break this guideline by presenting a topic that is quasi informational, funny, and helpful.

I moved out the spring semester of my freshmen year and haven't lived at home since. These are some things I've lived without for a year:

one. Ziploc bags. Never underestimate my skills of folding a pizza into a round tupperware container.

two. Bread. I have never actually bought a loaf of bread this whole time. That means I have not made myself a pb&j or any other sandwich in the past year. I guess having them everyday during high school surpassed my current want.

three. Typical condiments. Kind of going along with bread, I have never bought jelly (peanut butter was given to me), ketchup, mustard, mayo, etc. This is what the ketchup packets at fast food restaurants are for...never pay again!

four. Toliet paper. Joke, everyone. I hope I got ya with that. But really...flour, eggs, and napkins, I don't even know what those are.

four and four quarters. Cable TV, or really any TV for that matter. I have learned that Netflix, Redbox, and Hulu can get me by in this area. If you don't have Netflix, it's one of the best ideas ever. It's worth stealing the password to my mom's account.

Here's my motto: If it's not free, it's not cheap enough.

Story time: Reindeer

two. My friend Amy and I have a bad habit of mounting reindeer during the Christmas season. Call it childish, but it's fun. One year we went over to a disclosed neighborhood in Dunwoody and found the perfect set of deer. The lights were off in the house and deer were the kind that moved their heads. We mounted the deer and raced away.

The next day I get a text from Amy telling me that nobody had taken the reindeer off of each other. Every day that week I would get a text saying that it was still there. It seemed that the owners of this couple had been away for the break.

To this day, I'm still surprised that nobody took down those deer. Mate for life, friends.

And here's the evidence:

Story Time: (^$%&$@#^

For the next five weeks or so, I will be posting four and four quarters stories from my life. Some may be funny, some serious...I really haven't decided.

one. Back in my junior year, I went through a stage where I was working towards cleaning up my speech. This mainly came in the product of me sans cussing. With some slip ups here and there, I had made it 2 or so years without cussing. In the summer before I started college, Lindsay Ives, Jay Bowen, and I had all decided to go see Rocky Horror Picture Show at the ghetto fried and fabulous, Peachtree Cinemas. Afterwards, we headed to Waffle House for a 3 am breakfast. We were playing cards and in my utterly delirious state I dropped the F Bomb. No, not a simple "hell" or "dam (like the water holder, of course)." The Full Monty, the F Bomb. Lindsay and Jay stared at me in disbelief as I realized what I just said. I had gone two years until that moment. Blame it on Rocky Horror, blame it on the hash (browns, you crazies).